The Chronicles of Swishy Pete

Episode: Apartment 12G


It was a quarter past ten, Delicious, Minnie, and Char were running late, when I heard my front door opened and a man in a long trench coat entered my apartment. It was October 31; right about the time every queen in the tri-state area dressed up in drag or put on heels and a wig. I knew the girls were on their way so I left the front door ajar as I dressed in my bedroom.

My eyes shot directly to the wooden baseball bat autographed by A-Rod when I saw the tall slumped over half a man with a cane standing in my living room. The bat was a gift from Patrick, a pr rep for the Yankees, who was desperately trying to hook up with Char. I grabbed the bat and slung it over my shoulder.

"What the hell are you doing in my apartment?"

"I am so sorry, sir, I must have the wrong apartment, I was looking for my daughter's apartment, is this 12G?"

"Yes, it is but I live alone, what is your daughter's name?"

"My name is Victor St John and my daughter is Jill, she is a model for Ford."

"I am Pete, sorry I do not recognize the name, do you have a picture?"

"I'm sorry I do not, I have been calling her, but she has not returned my calls."

"Maybe you just have the wrong apartment number."

"I do not see how that is possible; I send her rent checks to this apartment number when the jobs are slow."

"I wish I could be of more assistance, but I subleased this apartment from my friend Charlotte Hemingway six months ago and I do not know many people in the building."

"I am not sure what I should do, may I give you my cell number."

"I am sure your daughter is safe and sound. Excuse me one minute while I go into the bedroom to get a pen."


As I headed back to my bedroom for a pen I could not shake the feeling, one, that I'd seen him somewhere before and, two, his clothes were dated for such a young looking man. He must have a little cash tucked away if he is paying rent in this building.

It occurred to me that I had spoken to the building manager earlier this week and he gave me a business card. I heard my doorbell ring and I yelled to Mr. St. John.

"Victor, my friends are at the door would you be a lamb and let them in."

I could not find the business card and the doorbell continued to ring. "Mr. St. John could you please open the door." I found the card in my blazer jacket and headed back to the living room.

"Victor?"

I opened the front door and the gang started in on me.

"Bitch what took you so long, I need to use the ladies room," Delicious said.

"She was probably trying to squeeze his big ass and childbearing hips into a tight Tina Turner number," Minnie joked.

"Please do not tell me you are not ready Swishy?"

"Charlotte I am ready, did any of you see a man with a cane walking to the elevator?"

No--

Nope--

"Has it come to that Swishy?" D said.

"This man came into my apartment looking for his daughter."

"What man?" Char said.

"He said his name was Victor--Victor St. John--he thought his daughter lived here."

"Was her name Jill?" Char asked.

"Yes it was," said Pete.

"Pete, I bought this apartment from Victor St John; he bought it for his daughter who was an up and coming model. Her body was found slaughtered in the meatpacking district," Char said.

"My goodness, I remember that," Minnie said.

"That not the end of it, after Jill's death neighbors told me that the father would come by nightly asking if anyone had seen his daughter and finally went mad and killed himself," Char reported.

"Girl, you in danger," D exclaimed.

"Bitch stop playing—you are playing?"

Swishy Speaks

The word according to Swishy Pete

Gay people of a certain age, like me, judge potential mates by their responses, something we did not do as youngsters. Honey, my granny always said a no good man will always reveal himself if you're paying attention. I have learned to ask the right questions to get the dirt before I get dirty.

Where did all this come from you ask? Honey I thought you never ask. I have been off work for two weeks playing Nurse Julia to my dear friend Delicious who fell off his clog and injured his knee. D had a torn meniscus and had to have surgery.

After two weeks of Miss Mess, I was ready to hit him on the head with his crutches. Therefore, I went for a long walk in the park with my new man instead of catching a case. Three teenagers, I babysat back in the day, came up to me in the park. If you missed it, I said my new man. Sebastian is his name; he is the person I met at the Chelsea Star lounge.

Any who, what's sweeter than gay teens asking for advice on coming out, parents and the LGBT way of life. I noticed that one of the boys looked like Stewie from Family Guy, the girl looked like Daria, and the other boy looked like a young Brad Pitt when he was in the movie Thelma & Louise. Their questions were standard but Stewie said something that concerned me.

We in the LGBT of a certain age have been slothful in conveying information to the young folks. Instead, we prey, especially older gay men, on the newbies. That’s all I am going to say--there is no need to elaborate.

Sebastian and I were discussing how hookups and anonymous sex were the way of life for many gay people in the past. Gay people of a certain age now have a responsibility to leave a legacy that does not embrace an existence that is hedonistic, complete with drugs-sex-booze.

How do we move forward out of the closets of our minds?

How do we reframe the history of homophobia and reverse the fears of butch girls and fem boys?

I don't have all the answers, but our community must blaze a new path for our LGBT youth. I think a good start should be facing our fears, by taking a stand in our communities, and having a consensus to stamp out homophobia wherever it rears its ugly head. Honey that's it, I'm done!

Oh — by the way, the gangs invited to a Halloween party were the guests have to dress up as celebrities in a few weeks; I'll tell you all about it soon.

Talk to you soon sweeties

Pete

Swishy Speaks

The Hotel Chelsea's Star Lounge

On Friday night, Minnie and I headed downtown to troll for men and honey I'm not the clubbing kind, but Ms Minnie insisted, so we went out for the night. I've heard a few of you question Minnie's sexuality, booboo, alls I can say is she's a straight woman trapped in a gay man's dress. She is completely into gay ghetto couture; she loves the gay bars, the West Village, and Mac makeup boys.

She always says masculine gay men are finger lickin' good, but as dull as boxes of hair, whereas queens never bluff. Any who, I was on the phone with Minnie until late Thursday night and she went on and on about Rick, a guy she met doing laundry. She said he was tall and lean, wore a fitted black T-shirt, chocolate riding boots, and vintage Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. Minnie empathized the jeans were tucked into the boots and that he had on fake bottom lashes, not the tops, and his forearms were freckled with purple glitter.

The derby queen told Minnie that Friday nights at Hotel Chelsea's Star Lounge was a queer must. We made our way to Chelsea, the new/old West Village, and I can say with some certainty that I am not into Chelsea queens. I call them butta boys, meaning they have everything but-a face. Don't get me wrong, there is some cuteness but not the flava my taste buds require. No matter the weather, Chelsea boys are in their local bars wearing tight jeans and a fitted fifty-dollar T-shirts. Stepford comes to mind. Chelsea boys go to the gym four to five times a week for the sole purpose of showing off their bodies for one night. I'm not hatin', lord knows my ass is getting big.

So, to the lounge we went and honey she was basement chic, cute, small, and crowed as hell. I went to the bar to get us drinks and when I turned around Miss Minnie was on the dance floor, surrounded by every gay guy not eligible for hookups, and I could see Minnie's hand in the air shaking her tambourine. Not her big ass, a real tambourine, and it must've rhythmically called out to every queer ear in listening distance.

To say the least, she had a good time and I met someone. I know what you are thinking, Swishy Pete met a cute Spanish man in bar and is about to make a big deal of it. I'm not, but he was so cute that we made out in the bar. The old whore is back! I'm a sucker for tall bearded Latinos. We'll see if he calls.

Have a fabulous Labor day!

Pete

Episode 6: Porgy & Bass

The Chronicles of Swishy Pete

Episode: Porgy & Bass

"Pete, please explain to me why I am having this queer gathering for Ted and Mel."

"Hello--collectively both girls have worked for you twenty-years, Char."

"Mel and Ted are girls?"

"Yes, Charlotte, Mel, and Ted are girls."

"All these years I thought they were masculine gay men."

"They are lesbians, Char, you know that."

"That would explain the Ellen vests, the pile of Jane Rule books in her office, and Lword episodes' TiVoed."

"Girl, your observational skills are on point," said Pete sarcastically.

"Thanks Swishy, but how did I get stuck organizing the cookout and was not invited to the fabulous lez wedding?"

"You lied and said you had a scheduled breast augmentation the day of the wedding."

"Remind me to buy a pushup bra."

"Sure thing, right after I tell Minnie's children they are not adopted."

"I heard my name, whose talking about me," Minnie said as she and Delicious entered the patio.

"I believe it was a frantic call from Jenny Craig," Char said.

"Hmmhmm—cute, but when are we eating."

"I am almost finished grilling the fish," said Pete to Minnie.

"What kind of fish are we having?"

"Porgy and Bass," said Pete to Minnie.

"Isn't that a Musical?"

"No, Minnie, that would be Porgy and Bess, a novel originally made into a beautiful opera and later made into a movie in 1959," Char said.

"Wow Char, you know a great deal about things people could not care less about." Minnie said.

"Speaking of fish," Delicious said, "where is the soon to be married couple."

"Forgive my ignorance," Char said lightly pushing D to the side, "but why do gay people want to marry?"

"It is the entire GLBT community, Minnie said."

"Ok," Char said, "why do dikes, fags, down lows and boys in dresses want to marry?"

"Oh child, I do not know," Delicious said. "It is a mystery to me."

"Queers should have the opportunity to be as miserable as straight married couples," Minnie said.

"When I was young boy," said Pete, "I planned my third wedding complete with a twice-divorced NBA player with three children, a mansion I got in my second divorce settlement, and the June cover of O Magazine."

"Cute story," Minnie said, "but where are Porgy and Bess?"

"If you are referring to the guests of honor, Mel and Ted, they will be here soon."

"Char, I was talking about the fish, I'm hungry bitch."

"I fail to understand why same gender couples feel the need to be like straight people, marriage is designed for one man and one woman." Delicious said.

"I fail to understand late lesbians," Minnie said.

"That sounds more like an example of prejudice than an argument, Delicious," said Pete.

"And please do not say gay marriage threatens the institution of marriage," Charlotte said.

"I agree that argument is stupid, I know plenty of married straight folks, and it ain't any institution," Minnie said.

"Well, gay people do have the right to marry just not to the same gender," Delicious said.

"Lets face it y'all, America is not ready to completely accept queer people," Minnie said.

"Then why were shows like Will & Grace and Queer Eye so wildly successful?"

"And Char, we may not want to admit it," said Pete, "but the gay community is full of those who do not care about LGBT equal rights."

"I am all for equal rights," Delicious said, "but we need to get rid of the idea of marriage altogether too radically make changes in our society."

"Oh—that is a good point," Minnie said, "are we having salad?"

"The gay community is five fingers, but we need to be a fist to strike a deadly blow," said Pete.

"I agree with Pete, it is the Porgy and Bess phenomenon," Char said.

"I don't get it," Delicious said.

"It is apparent the gay movement is strangely out of step, and behind the times for modern gays," Char said.

"That is not the issue," Delicious said.

"Take the failure of the Porgy and Bess movie, for example, racial identification had changed," Char said.

"Those images were no longer representative of the future of black Americans," said Pete.

"Black is beautiful became a cultural movement," Char said.

"And Porgy and Bess became a period piece," said Pete.

"Wait one minute, are you comparing gay marriage to the civil rights movement?"

"No I am not, but gay marriage is part of our gay rights movement."

"Are we talking about fish, musicals or queer marriage," Minnie said, "I'm lost."

"Char," said Pete, "if you are pro-gay weddings, why did you decline to attend Mel and Teds?"

"The same reason I declined the Star Jones-Reynolds spectacle, I knew they would call it quits in a few years."

"Hey guys, sorry we are late," said Mel holding Ted's hand.

"Oh thank God, we can eat!"

Episode: 5

The Chronicles of Swishy Pete

Episode: Happy Birthday Swishy Pete

"Happy 40th birthday, Pete," Minnie said.

"Thank you sweetie, Delicious and Charlotte should arrive soon."

"Oh Pete, you invited her!"

"I thought you loved Delicious."

"No, not him, Char, I cannot believe you invited her to have dinner with us on your birthday."

"She invited herself. You can manage one dinner without killing her, can't you?"

"Hey Delicious," Minnie said, ignoring Pete's question completely, "girl, guess who's comin' to dinner?"

"Good Lord honey, if you say the Latina devil wears Prada I am going to be violently ill."

"Well," Minnie said, "queue the dry heaves."

"Hello, ladies," Charlotte said as she whipped her mink coat into the booth.

"Charlotte," Delicious said, "I thought I smelled over chewed Big Red and a hint of Chuchifritos."

"Pete, I didn't know you were inviting ridiculous and your beard."

"Isn't it irresponsible to wear fur?"

"So is that funky rat pelt of yours," Char replied to Minnie.

"Any who," Delicious said, "How old are you today Pete?"

"He's…"

"A lady never reveals her true age," said Pete interrupting Minnie.

"And since you’re a real old lady it is not necessary, it's written all over your face," Char said.

"Out of curiosity Char," said Pete, "did you come tonight to insult and annoy us?"

"Pretty much," Char said, "I got some good news tonight and I could not wait to tell all my good friends, but they were busy so I'm hanging out with you losers."

"Come on and tell us," said Pete, "what's the big news, girl?"

"My good girlfriend had a baby and asked me to be the Godmother, and the christening is in three weeks."

"By any chance," Delicious said, "is the mother's name Rosemary?"

"So," Minnie said, "what church do they attend?"

"Why?" Charlotte replied ignoring Delicious' question.

"The thing is in a church, right?"

"Jesus Christ, I don't do church," Char said.

"Where did you think the ceremony would be?"

"Honestly, Pete, I thought they would dunk its little head in the bathtub or something."

"You had better sneak a flask in your purse and pray for deliverance," said Pete.

"I'm not that religious," Char said, "I'm more a spiritual person."

"I personally," Minnie said, "have not been to church since I prayed to win the lotto."

"Did you win?" Delicious asked.

"Hell no and that’s why it was the last time."

"Well, I'm an old-fashioned, God fearing, and church goin' Christian," Delicious said, "my black-ass is sitting in a pew every Sunday. What about you Pete?"

"I served my time; I attended parochial grade school, and did a two-year stint at a Jesuit college," said Pete, "and I came to the conclusions that there is no God and commercial religion is the root of all evil."

"So, Char," Minnie asked, "what do you mean you're more spiritual?"

"I don't know! I've heard people use it as an excuse when they do not go to church regularly, so I check that box. I still want to get into heaven."

"Do you ever feel guilty for believing in Christ but not attending church?" Delicious said as he gave the stink eye to the people at the adjacent table for eavesdropping.

"Miss D, I feel guilty when I pay retail for Marc Jacobs."

"For me," said Pete, "I have always hated the--I'm right and you're wrong views of religions."

"There are things you have to look past to be a good Christian," Delicious said.

"So D," Minnie interjected, "don't you feel guilty sitting in a pew every Sunday, while a minister condemns gay people to hell from the bull pit?"

"Its pulpit," Delicious said, "and most of them are gay but closeted; they need to keep their jobs."

"It’s the hypocrisy I hate," Minnie said.

"How do you know that?"

"I know how church-folk can be," Minnie said to Pete.

"I meant how do you know that word?"

"The same way I knew you were a pillow biter."

"So, what you're saying D," Char examined, "you endorse those who wish to deny gay people the same rights all Americans enjoy, when they are in fact gay themselves."

"All this religious stuff bores me," Minnie said.

"Yeah none of this is going to get me out of church duty," Char sighed.

"Honey, just decline to be Godmother," Delicious said.

"Did we forget the woman of the hour," Minnie said, "Swishy Pete's it's your birthday."

"Happy birthday Swishy Pete," everyone said in unison.

"Well," Char said, "let's get the hell out of Appleseed's."

"It's Applebee's, bitch," Delicious said under his breath.

Episode 4

The Chronicles of Swishy Pete

A Dream Affirmed

Langston Hughes, I can see the words fall from your mouth as they jumped off the page and smacked me right in the face. Honey, I know you must have understood the yearnings I felt all those years, not as an out writer but as an out man, especially when I read the line: "What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun…" in your poem. I have often wondered where I belonged as a gay man with a lifelong dream. As I lie in my bed reading your poems, I fell asleep and had a dream affirmed.

"Excuse me sir, are you Langston Hughes?"

"It's me Pete."

"Boo, all my dreams of the future are wrapped up in your poem, A Dream Deferred. I never thought in a million years that my life could be anything but what it is."

"Well Pete, today you have been pulled from the wreckage of your imagination."

"What do you mean Mr. Hughes?"

"Please Pete, call me Langston, baby, honey or boo, I don’t mind."

"Ok Langston, what the hell you mean?"

"All your dreams for the future Pete will be exactly what you see, so visualize big bright pictures. What's your passion?"

"I wish I could write poetry that touches the heart of people, like yours"

"Well Pete, what have you written?"

"I wrote a poem called A Group of Friends about my friends, Minnie, Delicious, and Charlotte."

"Ok, Pete lets hear it."


A Group of Friends

Though different in each way
Anyone can see we are friends

Each with a different background
Some are quiet some are not

We share a park bench
And although we will leave it, we all will return

It is our life raft

It allows us the safety to be ourselves
without drowning.

Though many people pass
Most are faceless never to be remembered.

Anyone can see our friendships are strong

It allows our smiles to shine.
It is so easy to see that we are a group of friends.


"So Langston, what do you think?"

"The purpose of poetry is defined by the poet, your poem demonstrates a distinct connection between all your friends, and I certainly relate to those words."

"How so Langston?"

"Well," Langston said, "I have a Minnie, Delicious, and Charlotte; their names are Zora Neale Hurston, Wally Thurman, and Richard Bruce Nugent. We are also a group of friends."

"I heard about a magazine called Fire," said Pete, "that you guys started it in 1926 which tackled topics, such as gay issues, not typically discussed in mainstream magazines."

"It was a flop, but I learned a valuable lesson from the process which I have carried throughout my existence."

"What lesson Langston?"

"One I hope all gay men and women will carry with them throughout their lives, gay is never démodé, never accept the contingencies of heterosexuality and never be ignored."

"Do you ever get upset when folks say you were in the closet and never wrote much about gay people?"

"No, Pete, I lived in a time when we did not have the freedoms celebrated today. We wrote between the lines."

"You must have made many sacrifices, writing as a gay man for straight people in the 1920s."

"The LGBT community will have to make many sacrifices in their lives, but will never be called on to make the sacrifices we made in those days, just as those who follow you will enjoy more freedoms."

"It’s called progress."

"Yes it is Pete, however, to answer your question, all my writings were created through the eyes of a proud gay man, and I could not have asked for more."

"I second that emotion honey and thank you Langston."

"Pleasant dreams, Pete."

Episode 3

The Chronicles of Swishy Pete

Of Course Not

"Good evening ladies, my name is Pete and I'll be your waiter today. Can I offer either of you something to drink."

"Yes, we'll both have coffee," echoed the ladies.

"Very well, I'll be right back with your drinks," said Pete as he headed back to the waiter's station.

"Hey Pete," said the Manager, "the two old broads at table sixteen want to change their drink orders to, two, Beefeater extra dry martinis."

"Thanks," said Pete as he sucked his teeth and poured out the two cups of coffee.

"Pete," Minnie said, "can you grab table eleven for me, I am in the weeds?"

"Sorry boo, I gotta get Dorothy and Blanche a couple of cocktails, I think they are about to dish some dirt on Rose."

"You know," Minnie said, "Debbie Reynolds was up for the part of Blanche, but she wouldn't blow Bea Arthur so she didn't get the part."

"Girl you're crazy," said Pete, "Lets go get a drink after work."

"Sorry Hun, I got the kids tonight, wanna come over and watch a movie?"

"Ok," said Pete, "Let me get these drinks to the table."

"Here we are ladies, two Beefeaters martinis, and honey, I'm sensing you want me to keep them coming," Pete said as they lightly laughed.

"Excuse me Sir," one of the ladies said, "I'm Susan and this is my sister Gwen, and we were wondering, are you gay?"

"Yes I am," said Pete.

"We were just commenting how much you remind us of Gwen's grandson."
"Oh," said Pete, "is he gay?"

"Of course not," Gwen said.

"Ok," Pete said," of course not is an opinion not an answer, so let me come at this from a different direction. Does he think he's gay?"

"Yes," Susan said, "he's eighteen and recently told the entire family he is gay."

"He's not gay," Gwen said, "he's just confused."

"Look Gwen," said Pete as he pulled a chair from the adjacent table and sat, "it may be none of my business, but you asked, and you will thank me later. It is an act of emancipation not confusion when a young gay person comes out to his family. He is not asking for your approval, however, he is extending himself and including you in his life, hoping you include him as he is."

"I do not know whether I--well the family, if we can accept that he is gay."

"Listen Honey," said Pete, "you are a nice lady and I am sure you’re a wonderful grandmother, but don't waste time hoping and wishing he was different, you might not get another chance."

"I do love him," Gwen said, "but it is difficult because gay goes against everything I hold to be true. I just do not know how I would do that."

"I wish you the best," said Pete, "but understand that there are a lot of monsters in the world waiting like vultures to prey on a young guy displaced by his family. Whatever you decide, eventually you are going to have to focus less on your personal comfort level and put his ultimate happiness first. It will take time but isn't he worth it?"

"You’re a wise man," Susan said, "I am sure your parents are very proud."

"I have not spoken to my parents in over ten years," said Pete sadly, "you see, I am still that eighteen-year-old boy, in my heart, that's still yearning for my family's acceptance and unconditional love. Don't let my experiences become part of your grandson's reality."